Being Soft or Strict as a Parent in Authority
All parents at some point in life struggle to imbibe the right values the right discipline and the right performance standards.
Each one sets certain standards for the child which the
child has to achieve. Many times we hear children saying I owe my growth and
performance to my parents there are some who say that my parents have left me
totally alone without any restrictions and allowed me to flower by myself. So
such parents may have set overall norms and values as a family in that culture.
Most of the parents struggle between how soft, warm and
touchy they are with the children and others struggle to be very strict about
the boundaries and the norms that they set.
If I reflect on my upbringing as an individual I would say
that up to the time I got married my parents were strict with very strict
standards of performance, values, and extra-curricular activities were forced
upon us. I always felt that other parents are much softer towards their
children.
Once I got married and started living my own life they
became much softer and emotionally available to me. Today I reflect on what I
have become as an individual I would definitely give credit to my parents for
imposing the boundaries the rules and the regulations on me. I have acquired an immense amount of growth in classical training and norms for high standards of
achievements, be it academic or literature.
Today also I aspire to be the best in whatever field I
choose.
When I reflect on my role as a parent I had made up my
mind I am not going to be so strict with my children. But the role model of my
parents was so deeply coded that I also ended up being a strict parent to my
children. I also felt that the strict discipline norms and values were very
important for my children’s upbringing and growth. So they too ended up doing
well in life and aspired for higher standards.
Any kind of failure was emotionally very difficult to
handle and both of them and me struggled a lot.
I think I have built a very intimate relationship with
them after they have become adults and started living their own lives. But, I
have missed out on being a soft touching feeling mother who could understand
the child’s failures and let him grow out of the failure.
I also went to a missionary school and a missionary
college were standards of behavior and performance were very strictly coded.
Hence I reflect on my journey I would definitely say that
a balance between the strict and the soft would be the most ideal form of parenting.
But I think we rarely end up being in that exact balance most of us tilt
towards the softer side with all the implications and some tilt towards the
strict side with their implications.
Author:-Dr. Nayana Shah (Ph.D.)
Director, Manthan
Ahmedabad
My mom was extremely strict and my dad was the soft, understated parent. My siblings tell me that I was more of a mom to them.
ReplyDeleteSince I did not experience the soft emotional love from my mom, I too could not express love through words or hugs or kisses to my children. But, unlike my mom, I was never harsh or demanding. Since I did not have any space or freedom when young, and learnt nothing about life except studies, I suffered post marriage, totally ill-equipped to face marital problems. For my daughter, I was totally ready- went to the other extreme, no pressure of performance, sent for trips yearly, after she turned 11, and sent her abroad for studies after school. I gave her full freedom, told her “ there is absolutely nothing wrong you can do, which will make me disappointed”. This space and support has worked wonders - not only are my children we-accomplished, but also beautiful human beings- l have been a sponge and learnt so much from them and others, that I managed to totally erase my mom’s influences from my mind, and am a changed person today. Only problem I have now- Its tough to live with my mom, since I disagree with her on everything!
Thanks for sharing your authentic self.
ReplyDeleteAt times I feel that I have inherited my forgetfulness, mostly from my dad. Ma is the house manager and all three- me, my elder brother and baba were under her subordination. Baba used to forget everything and would look sheepishly at Ma for her reflective comments.
ReplyDeleteMa is intelligent, immensely creative and resourceful and in spite of the meager income of my baba at the Rourkela Steel Plant of Odhisha, we grew up amidst joy, laughter, music, sports and picnics in the small steel city surrounded by hillocks. What touches me is her total surrender to baba- and to the duties at home. Very very committed.
When it came to studies, esp. Math, and language, my forgetful Baba would undergo metamorphosis...and become a stiff parent. Would always sit with a 'Byeth'- The bangla word for a strip of bamboo used for hitting - he used it sparingly on upper thighs only- but the sight of it would make me alert. Similarly, he was a very unrelenting parent when it came to making us get up early for music practice. Getting up early to do 'riyaaz' was something I loathed. But now, I can see how much he had contributed to my musical bend.
The same strict-during-studies-baba was so playful after returning from the steel plant- he worked at a very hazardous department, the coke ovens. He would return covered with coke dust...tired ...yet, he made time to play with us and made time to devote in playing the tabla and 'esraj'- a musical instrument. This is what I found inspiring- and may be this pushes me to sing now- in spite of being too tired after a long day at work.
Although baba is very quiet and always smiling, I was fearful of him, and not at all afraid of Ma- who would beat us up and scold us very often in a very high pitched voice.
My dada (elder brother)- full of energy, dynamic and difficult to contain, had a rough relationship with my Ma during his teen age... but the same dada would not even raise his head or voice in front of Baba. This amazed me. the power of silence, power of a raised eyebrow, power of unspoken words of Baba was far greater in terms of impact on us, than Ma's reprimand.
Ma would never hug or kiss but showed her love through cooking good food, stitching good clothes, making sweaters and giving craft ideas. I remember that till class IX, I always wore clothes stitched by ma. In School annual functions, she would not go to ire dresses for me- she would stitch them overnight. May be that's why, when my first child was born, I took to stitching clothes for her very naturally. Of course, my skills were too basic, but a good sense prevailed.
Coming to my kids, my daughter says, "You appear to be cool but you are not cool, deep down".
I cherished my relationship with my daughter specially after she became an adult and when she spent a year at home, during Covid, waiting for her sector (hospitality) to revive. Suddenly the range of choice for topics of discussion swelled up manifold, during covid days.
My son likes to just hang out with me... we both have common love(s) - music, driving in the rains and food.
Many a times, it is difficult to say who is the parent and who is the child, as they are so opinionated. They speak their minds so openly.
Great Sudeshna. Listening to your share of growing up as an adult and you as a parent. We all sail in different boats but have lot of things in common.
DeleteI would try to be strict but found it easier to let go after a point. Kids turned out okay. Maybe they would have excelled even more with more discipline but it could have also backfired. It is a difficult balance. Good, thought provoking article. Purnima S.
ReplyDeleteThanks Purni.
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