The difficult Task of forgiving and forgetting

 

Often times we get into situations where we are very angry, very hurt and very upset with the behavior of others. Many times I have told myself I shall never forgive him or forget the damage he has caused me. So one part of me is continuously in the warrior mode wanting to fight it out and never let go.

There is also another part of me that is soft, vulnerable, and weak. This part of me tells me it’s okay in being a good human being, it’s okay to let go.

This happens even with close friends, relatives, your own children, or siblings around you. Your love is measured by how much you forgive and how much you let go.

I almost feel guilty or inhuman if I take a very strong stand and get into a punishing act. Is punishing so bad or negative? If people have done wrong the only way they learn is if they are punished or taken to task.

Punishment becomes a very negative connotation in our cultural context. It is only considered fair and just in very strict systems. Where rules and regulations are strictly to be followed.

Many times I want to punish somebody who has committed a severe crime. But, how can one decide the gravity of the act of the criminal? It is a catch twenty-two situation laden with lots of cultural coding, meanings, and learnings that we have internalized over these years.

Our socialization pattern makes us internalize what is fair, what is unfair, what is just and unjust. If I had been a strict parent all symbols of authority comes through as oppressive and aggressor. The reverse is true if parents or bosses or rulers have been mild or forgiving. Hence, I dabble between these two extremes of what is fair and what is unfair.

Author:- Ph.D. Nayana Shah

             Director, Manthan

             Ahmedabad 

Comments

  1. AkilaAugust 9, 2021 at 7:43 AM

    S Nayana ji forgive and forget always gives peace to us .

    ReplyDelete
  2. SudeshnaAugust 10, 2021 at 5:33 AM

    Through my association with Visamo Kids- which is a shelter home for children , I have learn to unlearn a lot. I am thankful to Ashaben for helping me understand the difference between punishing and helping the child realize his / her fault.
    Punishment comes with a negative emotion whereas Facing consequences implies taking responsibility for his/ her behaviour and that is more sustainable.
    Ashaben always stressed on the point that when the child is erring (not conforming to the norms) understand that he/she is trying to communicate something and the parent/care taker needs to take a pause. And think, what shall be done differently... the focus is always on the parent... not on the child. We err as parents / care takers and we are not ready to look within us... we do not turn the camera around, to see where we are not right.

    Also- the criminals are a product of the society-- we contribute to making of the juveniles and then the hard core criminals.

    ReplyDelete
  3. SudeshnaAugust 10, 2021 at 5:33 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  4. anuviewsOctober 20, 2021 at 3:38 AM

    Lovely read

    ReplyDelete

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