What is fair and what is unfair in Dealing with the Abuser
Often times we come across instances where there is emotional abuse, physical abuse or sexual abuse. In our society it is easy to justify acts of the perpetrator by forgiving him or her by saying its okay or it’s not a big deal.
So what is the justification of how big or small the
crime is? In order of severity emotional abuse is generally forgotten or
forgiven, physical abuse is handled in a mild way but sexual abuse becomes big
trauma for the victim to handle.The victim herself or himself is so shattered
and confused and humiliated and ashamed that he or she does not have the
courage or the conviction to take up the stand or report to the authority.
Therefore we end up living in a world where abuser acts
are forgiven and forgotten but they leave a deep scar in the mind of the
victim. How much punishment is justified is generally not address mostly by
men.
Women feel extremely hurt and shaky because it is
happening to their identity as the weaker gender and the world is not willing
to take it up as a significant issue.
So what it is that divides men and women in this sensitive
issue of the phenomenon of life. I think because culturally men have been the
symbol of power, authority and source of aggression and violence in the system
they live. Hence it is easy for them to escape and forgive the abuser because
they want to forgive themselves.
Technically in every man there is a woman and in every
woman there is a man but most of the times they react only through the physical
and physiological coding that have been passed on through them through the
cultural and socialisation process.
Can we create a world where both voices are heard with
justice, fairness, equality and the same amount of empathy that is offered to
the other gender?
This is not men verses women statement but a reflection
on what is happening at the social level at the familial level and at the
ecological level.
Who deals with the perpetrator and what is the
justifiable punishment for these acts. We hear the lament of both the sides yet
no real solution had been emerged and it makes me feel sad and helpless.
Author:- Dr. Nayana Shah (Ph.D.)
Director, Manthan
Ahmedabad
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ReplyDeleteVery true- when abuse becomes a means of wielding power by one upon the other- justice, equality, fairness--- become mere words... as the social fabric in which such perpetrations are occurring needs to be audited internally-- over a geological time frame.
ReplyDeleteIt is difficult to identify and break stereotypes.
We need to see ourselves, scan our routine behaviours, the accepted thought patterns- the curriculum in schools, the comic books, the poems in kindergarten, the toys given to kids by parents, the process of decision making in families, the parlance used casually, the cuss words used casually - once each minute aspect is scanned- we will see for ourselves-- whether and how, consciously or otherwise, we are actually contributing to deepening of the stereotypes and if we are aware of that... are we ready to do anything about it?
Patriarchy for example, is deep seated- an extremely honest robust open and confronting approach is needed by all, to see how patriarchy has led to developing mind sets and behaviours that are self defeating.
Stopping abuse is one... Protecting oneself from getting abused is another.
I was working in the earlier days of my career with a grassroots organization that served the communities living in the slums dotting the Sabarmati river in Ahmedabad.
We ran a community health clinic - this was an entry point programme to implement a community health programme for the slum dwellers.
It was observed by teh visiting doctor, that the women would return after every 3-4 days with similar complaints like body ache, headcahe, tiredness etc. A deeper investigation with the help of the social worker and community health leaders, case history study of each revealed that these physiological symptoms were rooted in the psycho-social contexts of the women.... most of them were facing different forms of physical/sexual/mental violence at home or place of work (sabzi mandi- where they went to work)....
At the roots of such conditions, were, inequity--- harsh living conditions in the chawls, poor civic facilities, hard work, lack of access to clean water, health services, lack of privacy, lack of sexual literacy/ awareness, poor personal personal hygiene, acceptance of domestic violence as a norm, neglect and acceptance of all this as fate-- refusal to ask for rights, low self respect and self esteem....the list is huge.
This of course does not connote that families that are having access to all basic facilities and luxury have inspiring lives to live and empowering stories to narrate.
To protect self from being abused- to safeguard ones' interest- to not feel guilty for being subjected to violence, to have the courage to speak out and seek support, is important. To identify that 'this' behaviour is nothing but abuse of human rights and not stemming out of 'love' or 'ownership' and needs to be dealt with, is important-- else the vicious cycle sets in soon.